Rantsicle 5, Silvanas

Tuesday, the 1st of September 2009, 10:17 PM, PST

Funny how Silvanas reminds you of things you've had and lost. It just did to me. MV's cousin, Spring, actually the both of us, went to MV's place and took it. Her place is an apartment, and she's on the 4th floor, staying with other three or four people I think. I didn't go up of course. Fear, embarrassment, I don't know, just didn't feel like it.

So while I'm savoring the rich sweetness of the Silvanas, I was having mixed emotions. Hmmm...how should I define or describe it...ah yes, irony...again. Life really has a funny sense of humor. How could a thing so yummy and sweet have a bittersweet aftertaste? Beats me.

Silvanas, the irony of the gods. If my being human meant losing MV, then so be it. I've come to regret my actions, not because they were human, but because I know I've could have done better yet was unable to do so. I think that didn't come out very well, I think. Lemme try to rephrase that. No, I won't. That's that. I'm tired.

After that fateful cataclysmic night, the 27th, I went back south and confronted my son's mother. I cried in front of her. It was the first time I cried in over five years. I asked her why she cheated on me a few years back. I wasn't trying to sort of rekindle an old flame. I was so hurt, I tried confronting my past, seeking an answer that would somehow explain or ebb the shit I was feeling. She didn't know what to say. I understood. It's time to stop blaming others for my past, for the shit I was carrying up until then. I've decided to accept things as they are and face the reality of what I have become. Not an easy task, but one I am willing to pursue and am intently pursuing. I know time, nature, or perhaps solitude will heal me. I'll just crossing my fingers for now and hope for the best.

The Silvanas reminded me that Life can be beautiful. I realize that it's okay to be human, and to hurt, and to realize that so many people love you, that your happiness never depends on a particular person's view of you, that in the end, what matters is not how people see you, but how you see yourself in the eyes of love. I have forgiven myself and my past. I live one step at a time, relishing the journey more than the destination. I'll drown for the moment but live for the future.
Sic transit gloria mundi...Viva la vida. (^_^)